Technophilia
by HallowedNight
Summary: In which Tony discovers he has a problem with his social life; i.e., he doesn't have one. Machines are the only thing keeping him sane, but will his obsession eventually cause him to break all human bonds, or simply break down completely? - Could quite possibly turn into some kind of weird slash - Rated because I'm a crazed fanboy and you never know what I might do
1. One, Technophilia

Uh, yeah, I'm back. And with more Avengers this time, yaaay... Contrary to popular belief, I'm not dead, comatose or otherwise maimed to the point of being unable to write. I'm simply busy. Very, very busy.

I have been working though. On a lot of stuff. I was planning on detailing what, but I've stopped caring...

Anyway, new Avengers story, based after the movie and focusing on Tony and his machine obsession. Rated because I have zero clue where this is gonna go.

I don't own the Avengers, blah blah...rights to their respective owners and whatnot. Anyway, here ya are.

* * *

"Talk dirty to me Jarvis."

"I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid I can't do that."

A single, dark eyebrow rose up Tony Stark's forehead as he tossed a virtual wad of paper into an equally fictional trashcan. "Did I not program you with a bedroom voice?"

"No sir." Concise, simple; Jarvis. Excellent.

"Huh. Imagine that. Seems a little…" The (supposedly) therapeutic desk chair slid back as Tony leapt to his feet, "…unlike me to leave out something so…_crucial_."

"Sir, I believe it is passed your bedtime," replied the AI dryly.

"Oh poo, Jarvis, cut it…would ya? It's not like I'm sleep deprived or anything, I do this all the time…" A piercing, clanging crash erupted through Tony's workroom as he attempted, and failed rather spectacularly, to lean on an unsuspecting Dummy. "Geez… Dumm- Really? I swear, I'm going to turn you into an oversized coat rack…" As he once again scrambled to his feet, Tony could all but hear Jarvis's nonexistent, British-accented sigh of exasperation. "I… Well, I think I'm done with my work for the day."

"The last three days, you mean, sir?"

Tony grinned as he began stripping on his way to the shower. Had it really been that long?

"Someone's feeling sassy today."

"As always, sir."

XxXxX

It was nearly four o'clock in the morning by the time Tony rolled into his rarely-used bed. By his calculations, which were slightly fuzzy due to lack of sleep, he had been awake for sixty-seven hours this time; not a record, but enough to send him stumbling stupidly around the bathroom in a somewhat dismal effort to ready himself for the bed he hadn't slept in in nearly a month. The darkness was wonderful, soft and velvety against his closed eyes and bare chest.

"Jarvis?"

"Sir, I really must insist that you-"

"Umm, yeah, but I really need you to… And I asked you to do it this morning, and the thing with the Mark XXI-"

"Sir, you're making absolutely no sense. However, I am currently running diagnostics on the Mark XXI, and debugging both the Mark XX and XXI as well as installing remote software in all models over Mark X."

Tony blinked against the darkness, searching in vain for something else to say. Though he knew it was sad, pathetic and borderline psychotic, the self-made AI was his only friend at the moment, and he hated to stop talking and surrender to sleep. He knew what sleep held; the ghostly horrors brought forth from his subconscious mind to torture his body and psyche in constant spasms of terror and cold water and wet burlap-

"Sir? I could prepare some sleeping medication if you would like."

"You're an angel, Jarvis. Truly a gift from God." A quirky smile lit up the man's features for a split-second. "Oh wait…that would be me. Bam!" An indistinct gesture towards the lofty ceiling proceeded this pronouncement, followed by a crackly giggle as the desired sleeping pills were delivered to his waiting palm. A quick swig of water sent the drugs on their way, and Tony fell back against the pillows to await the inevitable.

"Good night, Jarvis."

"Good night, sir."

Even with the pills, sleep came slowly for the self-proclaimed genius. The hollow silence set Tony on edge, frayed as his nerves were by months of constant nightmares and lost sleep. The only solace from this unease came in the form of machines; inventing, building, repairing, suits, artificial intelligence, other software, gadgets, _technology_. It was all he had, and it never left. He was never without it, some small reminder of his workroom, his sacred refuge of whirring parts and metallic hearts and brains and minds, all of which he could call his own. All his, for once, his own creations laid forth in a grotesque shrine to his own inability to function normally.

And then there was Jarvis, the pinnacle of it all. If his machines were his children, then Jarvis was his best friend, his only friend; in fact, the stately AI served as his best friend, his mother, father, teacher, mentor, babysitter, lover, pet and any other social position Tony could possibly require. He lived in solitude, relying purely on his own ingenuity to satisfy his growing need for social interaction. Jarvis was always there to talk, regardless of the situation or Tony's mental state or any other ridiculous scenario life could chuck the man into.

"Jarvis?"

Tony's heart leapt into his throat as the echoes of his voice died unanswered.

"Yes, sir?"

Relief, blissful relief… "Have you ever been in love?"

"Pardon me for saying so, sir, but if I had eyes I would roll them."

"Alright then, have you ever gone crazy?" Another brief pause.

"Sir, you did not program me to be insane; quite the opposite, as a matter of fact."

Tony smiled cheekily at the wall as he curled around a giant pillow in the middle of his bed. "How about-"

"Sir, as much as I would love to chat, I must insist that you get some rest. I would hate to tranquilize you, but I was programmed to monitor and, if necessary, regulate your well-being."

"Ooo, kinky. I thought you said you couldn't talk dirty Jarvis." He was tired…he was safe though, he had his machines, his suits… He could sleep, right?

"A happy accident, sir."

"Good night, Jarvis."

"Good night, sir."

There was that softness again, the silky black against his skin. Comforting now, almost affectionate…

Humans believed machines to be cold and calculating, chill against the warmth of skin and flesh and bone. Tony knew otherwise. Technology was a part of everything, every plant, every animal, every human; advancements were constantly being made, bugs diagnosed and fixed, impractical prototypes weeded out. Machines were but a physical manifestation of these everyday practices, able to be harnessed and put to use, controlled by impossibly yielding human hands.

No nightmares plagued Tony Stark that night. His dreams were filled instead with dancing manifestations of his own creations; gleaming schematics for another project, unfeasibly complicated notes detailing new software, wires and circuits and deliciously expensive metals blending together and resulting in a lustrous state of blessed assurance.

The technology would always be there; the technophilia would always be a crushing, glorious disease Tony couldn't- wouldn't- shake.

* * *

I love that word. Technophilia. Anyway, expect some Clint and Natasha and Steve and Thor and Banner and possibly Loki. And lots of Tony and lots of Jarvis. And yeah, I know his name is probably supposed to be an acronym or something, but I don't care. I want him to seem more human.

On an unrelated note, expect a oneshot/short story concerning an Avengers camping trip soon. This plot baby won't go away, so it must be acted on soon.

Please favorite, follow and REVIEW *hinthint* if you like it so far, and thanks for reading~


	2. Two, Anthrophobia

Chapter two, yaaaaay. This one is longer. :D

* * *

"Sir, you have a call waiting. Sir?"

"Uhh… Can it wait, Jarvis…? It's like six in the morning and I feel like crap."

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon, sir. Director Fury is on the line, and is insisting he needs to speak to you."

A deep sigh slipped past Tony's lips as he cracked one eye open. "And what's all over my face? Who sneezed on me?" He raised a hand to his mouth, and it came back covered in slippery, dark yellow snot. "Eeuug… Good lord… Tissues, please? Or a beach towel?"

"There are tissues on the bedside table, and you sneezed on yourself, sir. The Director is-"

"Yeah, yeah, patch him over, or whatever; lemme hear him." Crawling to the edge of the bed, Tony began blowing his ridiculously stuffy nose just as Fury's indignant voice echoed throughout the room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Stark? I've been trying to reach you for days! You haven't been out of the tower in almost a month, Rogers is going crazy and Agent Romanov has threatened to break into your place and cut off your-"

A massive sneeze interrupted the Director's tirade as Tony flopped back against his pillows. "Umm, sorry about that, been feeling a little-" Another sneeze spewed snot down the recumbent man's front. "-under the weather."

"Sure, there's always something. I'm sending Rogers over to-"

"To what? Keep me company? Or make sure I'm not hoarding bodies in my basement?" Tony's slung his legs over the side of the bed and rubbed his face absentmindedly. "I'm fine, really. Do I need to prove it? I can send you a picture-"

"Just be dressed and presentable when he gets there, and no funny business."

"Funny business? Does everyone assume I'm gonna-"

"He hung up, sir. Would you like me to make some coffee?"

Tony shook his head slightly in an attempt to clear the haze shouting at him to slump back into his bed. "Yes… Coffee…coffee and pancakes, lots of pancakes…"

"Right away, sir."

It took Tony several minutes to clear his nose to his satisfaction; he was positive there was a small, furry animal shoved up into his sinuses, and it wasn't leaving without a fight. His whole body ached as he shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the shower, silently praying the steam would dislodge the remaining congestion. Though a shower wasn't really necessary, he knew the water would relax him and hopefully do something to dispel the concerning rattle in his chest. If there was one thing Tony hated more than idiots and terrorists, it was being sick.

Four separate shower heads, Tony thought, was probably the best idea he had put into Stark Tower. The steam started to work its magic almost immediately, and he took several deep, calming breaths before beginning to scrub the dried mucus off his face and chest. The knots in his back and shoulders uncurled themselves slowly, leaving a pleasant tingling sensation in their wake.

"Sir, your pancakes are getting cold."

Tony jumped at the unexpected voice and slapped around until the shower turned off. "I'll be right there Jarvis. Guard those babies with your life."

"That seems a bit superfluous, sir, but if you insist."

Deciding against pants as he stepped from the shower (he was in his own home, after all), Tony tousled his hair till it was relatively dry and slung a towel around his hips. A few wet footprints followed him as he sauntered into the kitchen, a display that was slightly undermined by his dripping nose and constant sniffling.

"Damn, it smells like heaven in here." Not bothering to sit down, Tony grabbed a fork and a plate stacked with pancakes before immediately starting back towards his workroom.

"Sir, don't you think you should wait for Mr. Rogers?"

"Cap? Nah, just tell me when he gets here. Knowing us, he'll probably be attacked on the way or something." A vague wave of the syrup covered fork punctuated his sentence.

"As you wish, sir."

XxXxX

Just as Tony suspected, it was nearly an hour before Jarvis alerted him of Steve's presence; the man had since exchanged his towel for a pair of loose sweat pants and one of his customary band t-shirts, and was inattentively tinkering with some new suit designs.

"Sir, Mr. Rogers is here. I let him into the upper floors."

"Yeah, thanks Jarvis." A minute twinge of nervousness shot through Tony's stomach. He hadn't seen any of his 'teammates' except Bruce face to face since a few days after the incident in New York almost four months ago, and he had no desire to break his streak of isolation. Though he wasn't quite sure why he felt the need to cut himself off from his friends, there was no doubt in his mind that it was a wise decision; he wasn't sure how much nagging about his current living situation he could take before he went completely insane.

After taking a moment to close down his project files and tidy up a little bit, Tony jogged out of his workroom and to the end of the hallway. Steve was there, waiting for entrance, as Tony's private wing was the only section of Stark Tower where security codes were rendered ineffective. A small smile spread over the Captain's face as Tony pulled open the thick, oak-wood door.

"Lavish." Steve raised an eyebrow and cracked a grin as he held out a hand. Tony shook it quickly and allowed himself a smile.

"Well, I needed to spend the money somewhere. Might as well spoil myself while I'm here." He motioned for the other man to follow him back down to the workroom; though the lounge was better suited for entertaining guests, Tony had no desire for that kind of formality, especially when dealing with someone as close as Steve.

"Huh. I didn't know you had a personal lab in here," Steve pointed out as he followed his friend in to the workroom.

"Well, it's not technically a lab, but…that doesn't really matter…?" There was that cocked eyebrow again; apparently the technology-challenged Captain did not need his lack of knowledge pointed out. "You can sit over there if you want." Tony jerked his head in the direction of a beat up leather couch that looked quite out of place next to its new, sparkling surroundings. No further prompting was required, as Steve had just come from a strenuous training session, at Fury's request.

"So, what does Little Miss Sunshine want you to get outta me? I'm not building some kind of super army or anything, if he's worried about that." Tony flopped down at his desk and propped his feet up, surveying his guest out of the corner of his eye. The pressure that had been building in his head all morning was beginning to blossom into a full-fledged headache, and he sincerely hoped Rogers would be easily satiated.

"Of course it's nothing like that, Tony. He's worried about your health. We all are."

"That's crazy. It's not like I've been threatening to jump off a building or anything. I'm perfectly-"

"Fine people don't shut themselves into their houses for months on end, Stark." The super soldier crossed his arms, obviously agitated by Tony's air of indifference. "And lord knows what you've been doing in here, cooped up by yourself."

"I'm not by myself." The phrase slipped out before Tony could stop himself; Steve's eyebrows nearly met his hairline as he stared at his friend, awaiting an explanation. "Err, I have my work and my machines. And Jarvis." Feeling suddenly defensive, the man pulled up some absurdly complicated notes for the remote software program he had been working on and began checking for mistakes he knew weren't there.

"Tony…" Steve's voice was quiet, almost pitying, as his face softened. "Machines aren't people. And Jarvis can't give you all the interaction you need-"

"What do you know about it?" Tony's brow furrowed as he snapped his head around to look at the man now sitting stiffly on his couch. "You probably don't even know how to work a microwave. What right do you have to criticize my work? Jarvis is _exactly_ what I need, thanks for your concern." The anger was irrational, he knew; after all, it wasn't Steve's fault he had been frozen for seventy years, and no one but Tony himself could really understand what was going through his mind; but it felt good to take his pent-up frustration out on somebody.

A blank expression had crept onto Steve's face throughout this miniature tirade. "I'm sure it's hard for you-" This was a lie; the man had no idea what had upset Tony so much, and he wasn't sure he wanted to find out. "-but we can help you Tony. You don't have to be alone, I promise you." He rose slowly and took several steps towards his friend, stopping when he saw the look on Tony's face.

"I don't need help. I'm not going through anything, and nothing is hard for me!" The abused desk chair crashed over as Tony shoved it back and stood, facing Rogers with a glare that would melt steel. "Just get out; Fury will get me out of here either when I want to leave, or when he sends an army. And when you report, tell him to kiss my ass, would ya?"

With that eloquent statement, Tony stormed out of the workroom and down the hall to his bedroom, vehemently slamming the door behind him. "Jarvis?"

"Yes, sir."

"Make sure he leaves. And I need some alcohol, pronto." Suddenly exhausted and more than a little guilty, Tony slumped onto the bed and began massaging his temples. "And some decongestant."

"Right away, sir."

XxXxX

Steve sighed and slowly walked down the hallway behind Tony, debating whether or not to follow him to the bedroom. Something had obviously upset the man, some trauma Steve could only guess at, but whatever it was needed to be addressed, and soon. Iron Man was an integral part of the Avengers team, and if his suit was needed, Tony would have to be available as well, and preferably not in some kind of manic-depressive state.

Once free of the inventor's private wing, Steve pulled out his phone and dialed Fury, cursing quietly as he fumbled with the touch screen. He preferred radios or wires; much more direct and easily handled.

"Any luck?"

"None. I think I just pissed him off, though he seems relatively healthy. There's something else behind this, I'm sure."

"Relatively? And what did he say exactly."

"He told you kiss his ass. And he has a cold."

"Ah, I noticed that this afternoon. Well, let him alone; we'll give him a few more days."

"But Director-"

"Listen to me, Rogers. Tony Stark is a complicated man, and he's been through some tough shit; more than you know. Let him alone."

"Yessir."

Fury hung up first, leaving Steve rather confused. The Director was usually much harder on Tony, and certainly didn't leave people alone just because they had 'been through some tough shit'. Though he was loath to give up his free afternoon, Steve made a mental note to do some research on Tony's history when he got home; he found himself wanting to know more about the one man that could make Fury act almost human.

* * *

It's supposed to be sudden and all mood-swingy, pleasedon'tsueme it will be explained. I promise! o3o

Please follow favorite and review, and I hop you're enjoying it! You better be. :D


	3. Three, Technophilia

And it continues~ Thanks for the reviews and follows and stuff, guys~ Anyway, chaptah threeeee...

* * *

"Jarvis, what time is it?"

"Nearly three o'clock in the morning, sir."

"So I missed lunch then?"

"Regrettably so, sir."

Tony chewed on the inside of his cheek as he let his newfound obsession sift through his brain for the umpteenth time. Since Rogers had left, Tony had remained in his room; though his anger had quickly dispersed, it had been replaced with a nagging thought, an idea that had been gnawing at his mind for nearly…ten hours, apparently. There had probably been some sleep thrown in there too, as it didn't really feel like he had been lying there on the floor for that long.

"Jarvis, how would you like to have a body?"

A questioning silence rang in Tony's ears.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"It was what Spangles said," Tony explained as he pushed himself into a sitting position. "That machines aren't people, and you can't give me all the interaction I need, blah blah."

"Sir, I don't think-"

"I've been thinking about it, Jarvis, and I really do think it's possible. After all, I already have the intelligence, that's you. All I'd have to do is build a nice, streamlined robot, then find someone to help me develop some way to grow self-sustaining skin…like a layer of cells or whatever that can draw energy from whatever is powering the robot, probably some kind of arc reactor technology-"

"Sir, I believe you are quite inebriated. Would you like me to prepare some more coffee?"

Tony rolled his eyes and chuckled into the empty room. "C'mon, Jarvis…don't be such a party pooper." He wasn't that drunk; at least, not enough that his mind, once stimulated, would be unable to piece together something as simple as a basic humanoid robot. If he started the designs tonight and began construction tomorrow-

"I apologize, sir, but I really must protest to this new idea."

"_Why_?" The sharp edge that sprang into Tony's voice was uncalled for, perhaps, but not entirely unexpected. The man was, above all, an inventor, an engineer, and could never quite understand why someone would refuse to delve into something new and exciting. Puzzling over new challenges and creating the impossible gave Tony a reason to live. Without his technology, none of his fame or fortune would have been remotely attainable.

"I…I don't think I would like it, sir."

This caused Tony, who was currently en route to his workshop, to stop in his tracks; Jarvis never stuttered or fumbled with his words, and Jarvis himself would be the first to admit that that particular sentence wasn't the most articulate wording possible. "Uhh, pardon me for asking, but why the hell not? It's a body, for christsake. You'd be able to walk around and see stuff and touch things-"

Touch what things? Him? Tony's breathing hitched, and he leaned against the nearest wall, a little lightheaded. Why did he want this so much anyway? He had created Jarvis to help him, to make his life easier, and now he wanted to complicate things by making the AI vulnerable, making the inhuman, human. It was irrational, and silly.

"I'm… Yeah, never mind. Sorry, Jarvis, I think I got a little ahead of myself."

"Should I be surprised, sir?"

Well, at least the AI hadn't lost any of his sass.

"I guess not." Now at a loss of what to do with himself, Tony finished his walk down to the workroom and collapsed onto the sofa, longing for his house in Los Angeles. New York was great, and Stark Tower was great, but the workshop was different and unfinished, and it certainly wasn't home.

"What do you think Jarvis?"

"About what, sir?"

"What Spang- Steve said. About you not being enough for me."

"I believe he was correct, sir. However-" Tony snapped his mouth shut, retort dying on his tongue as Jarvis continued. "-I must say that I…enjoy being the object of your attentions."

The fact that he was lying down was the only thing that saved Tony's jaw from hitting the floor. Never, in all his time with the AI, had Jarvis said something to that effect. Hell, Tony had no idea Jarvis _could_ talk like that. In fact, Tony was completely clueless as to exactly how emotional his 'butler' was, how deep his thoughts and feelings really ran. And now, as per usual, he was curious.

"Object of my attentions?" The man's dark eyebrows cocked suggestively as he gazed at the ceiling, suddenly wishing he could actually see the…person he was talking to. "Well, if you really _enjoy_ me that much, honey, I'm surprised you don't want a body to play with."

Dear god, he was actually flirting with his own creation. A hasty vision of God trying to bang Eve popped into his mind before he squashed it down, jumped from the couch and crossed to his desk.

"Excuse me, sir?"

Tony sniggered. He couldn't tell if the AI was confused or taken aback, but it didn't really matter either way. "I'm gonna take you offline for a few minutes Jarvis, I want to look at your code," the man said as he began navigating his way through all the passwords and virtual booby traps that protected Jarvis's entire being from outside forces.

There was that enigmatic silence again, the one that meant Jarvis was truly considering what his creator had just said. "As you wish, sir."

Tony almost frowned. "Can you disagree with me, Jarvis?"

"Yes, I can. Have I not proven that, sir?"

"Well, I mean just for the sake of disagreeing. Just to complain or annoy me. And can you call me Tony? Do you have to use 'sir' all the time?"

"Is that a question or a request, sir?"

Tony had to mull this one over for a few seconds. Now that he thought about it, he didn't remember putting anything in the code that forced Jarvis to obey his architect's every whim. The AI was a separate being, as intelligent as Tony himself, and could, in theory, do whatever the hell he pleased.

"A request. And you don't have to be so formal, if you don't want to. Can you do that too?"

"I suppose I could. However, I find it more comfortable simply doing what I was programmed to do, sir."

"Tony."

"…Tony."

"But I programmed you to be intelligent. And part of being intelligent means making your own decisions and doing what you want."

"In that case, I want to be formal."

A lopsided smile graced Tony's face as he finally reached the last step of entering Jarvis's code. "You're starting to sound almost human. Now take a little nap, this shouldn't take long."

"Yes, sir."

"Tony."

"Tony."

The silence that filled the workshop when Tony took Jarvis offline was complete, and, for the first time in quite awhile, soothing as opposed to menacing and empty. After typing in the last password and gaining access to his AI's code, Tony began to debate why exactly he had insisted on inspecting it in the first place. He knew most of what was there, and what it was supposed to do; it hadn't changed since the last time he tweaked the programming, and he soon gave up and just let the code sit there.

Jarvis was Tony's greatest accomplishment, and the one he knew the least about. He suddenly ached to feel what Jarvis felt, to know what those feelings were like, if they were even there; to unravel the vast intelligence down to its most basic levels and see what hid there. Did Jarvis have dreams, hopes and fears, aspirations and secrets? Could he hate…could he love?

There was just one way to find out; it was time for a serious conversation with the AI.

As Tony pulled himself back to the computer and began re-securing Jarvis's code, his cell phone, forgotten in his oversized pocket, began to ring shrilly. It took several seconds of rummaging to find the thing, and another couple to allow the person trying to contact him to speak over his intercom system without Jarvis's help.

"Who the hell is calling me at four o'clock in the effing morning?"

"Oh, shut up, I know you weren't sleeping, Tony."

Ah, Pepper. He should have expected this.

"Whadya want, Pep? I'm busy."

"Steve told me about today."

Tony's heart sank. "Oh, great. Captain Loose-lips strikes again. Look, I don't need a babysitter-"

"I'm not mad at you, Tony. I know you better than those guys, I know you need your time."

"Excellent, you're an angel Pep, now if I could get back to-"

"_But_," the word was dangerously pointed, "I want to know what you're up to. So spill."

Well, damn. This, he hadn't expected.

"I… I'm not sure, to be honest. I just… I've been making stuff…?" It was a weak argument, if that's what this was; the last thing Tony wanted to be reminded of just then was the near constant night terrors, especially as they were a contributing factor to Pepper ending their almost-kinda-relationship. It was apparently hard to sleep with someone who was frequently thrashing around and screaming when he wasn't exhausted to the point of passing out.

"Tony, if this is the nightmares again, I swear, I'll kill you. You told me those were gone-"

"They are gone! I've just been busy. I've been…thinking about making Jarvis a body."

There was a brief, skeptical silence on the other line; though he wasn't proud of it, at least the little white lie had gotten Pepper off his back. "That's… Tony, you've had a lot of questionable ideas, but that's just weird."

Why was that such a ludicrous notion to everyone but him? "It's really not that weird. Maybe I want him to be able to cook more complicated things than soup and pancakes."

"Is Bruce still living with you?"

"Um, yes? On the floor underneath me; why?"

"Does he know you're planning on doing this?"

"I'm not planning on anything, good Lord. It just popped into my head tonight, I dunno. I probably won't do it; Jarvis doesn't want me to anyway."

"Oh. Well, good, then. But I still wanna come over and see what you're up to."

Tony groaned. "Pep, it's a mess-"

"I'm sure it is," she laughed. "But I want to see it, and you, anyway. Just to make sure you're okay."

Though this didn't seem like such a great idea to him, Tony knew better than to deny the woman. "Fine, you can stop by tomorrow. At least give me time to clean up or something." Yeah, right. That's definitely what he would do.

"Sure, Tony. Try to get some rest, alright?"

"Yeah, alright. Bye Pep."

"Goodnight, Tony."

The disgruntled engineer resisted the urge to chuck his phone across the room. First Captain Spangles, now Pepper? Couldn't a guy have some time to himself? Sighing resignedly, he turned back to the computer and finished securing Jarvis's code before punching in a few commands to get the AI back online.

"You with me, Jarvis?

"Indeed, sir."

"Seriously, _Tony_. The sir thing is getting annoying," Tony huffed as he stood and stretched, preparing to go back to bed.

"May I ask what you did with my coding?" The AI sounded genuinely curious, another strange occurrence when Jarvis was involved.

"Nothing; I guess I just wanted to look." Feeling rather contemplative, Tony flopped onto his bed and stared at the familiar ceiling. "And I have some questions for you tomorrow."

"Questions?"

"Yeah, questions." The man flipped onto his side and wriggled under the blankets. "And are you avoiding my name?"

"No."

Tony blinked and rolled his eyes. "Sure, okay. Set an alarm for ten AM, alright?" There was no response, but the little light on the alarm clock that meant it was set flicked on of its own accord. "Thanks. Well, goodnight, Jarvis."

"Goodnight…Tony."

* * *

Pepper will be in the next one, so **darksideofnight**, you get your wish. ;) She might be a little OOC, 'cause I really hate her character. I tried.

And about the titles, the structure here is like...one chapter of his robots and Jarvis and stuff, hence the name 'Technophilia', and then another chapter of him trying (and usually failing) to deal with humans, hence 'Anthrophobia', the fear of humans. He doesn't actually have anthrophobia, but it fits what I was going for.

Again, all reviews, favorites and follows are loved~ Hope you all are enjoying it so faaaar!


	4. Four, Anthrophobia

Chapter four...all the angst. (It's longer too, guys, hooray.) Thanks for all the follows, favorites and reviews so far guys! :D

* * *

_Tony was freezing and soaking wet by the time he was shoved back into the cave he had been imprisoned in for months. Deep purple bruises were already visible against his alabaster skin, pale from so many weeks of malnourishment in the dark. He lay where they dropped him, too drained and lightheaded to crawl to his thin blanket in the corner. Dirt caked his chest and the side of his face, blessedly cool against the fever he knew was beginning to burn under his skin._

_The session had been longer this time, the usual 'let's dunk him backwards into freezing water' treatment intensified by a strange man who appeared to take great pleasure in carving away at Tony's bare skin with several wickedly sharp and gratuitously elaborate knives. Tony had to hand it to the guy; he knew what the fuck he was doing. The slices were just light enough that Tony didn't bleed excessively, but it hurt like a bitch, and the genius-turned-prisoner had been screaming for release after just a few minutes. At least, that's what he could tell from the searing ache in his throat; he had blacked out before the yelling had started._

_Tony would normally have been mortified that he had broken so easily, but the pain was messing with his brain. Everyone always says they won't give in; until the pain starts. It was torture, literally and figuratively, his weakness weighing on Tony's mind just as much as the physical pain. The unconquerable Tony Stark had been reduced to a gasping, begging wretch barely alive on the floor by a rabble of moronic would-be terrorists._

_This singular thought gave Tony the strength to curl his arms beneath him and rise shakily to his hands and knees. It took him nearly ten minutes to force himself over to his makeshift bed, where he collapsed, panting heavily. The seconds drifted by slowly as the pain in his chest subsided to a dull ache he tenaciously ignored. _

_Just when Tony felt safe enough to risk taking a short rest, the familiar screech of rusted metal hinges roused him and he scrambled against the wall, silently praying they would leave him alone. A chilling laugh echoed off the bare rock wall as heavy footfalls announced the arrival of Tony's new guest. _

_"__No need to cower, Mr. Stark. I'm not here to hurt you unnecessarily." The man's voice sent chills down Tony's spine; though he couldn't pin-point exactly what, something tainted buried in that haughty, callous voice made him want to bathe in bleach multiple times._

_"__What do you want then? I was trying to take a nap." The customary sarcasm was there, but Tony's voice was too strained and anxious to pull it off with his usual boyish charm. Another laugh ricocheted through the man's throbbing head._

_"__What do I want? Well, I suppose what everyone else around here wants: you. Unlike them, however, it is not your brain I desire, and I intend to get what I want one way or another." A toothy grin followed this statement._

_Tony's mind went blank as he stared up at his new tormentor. He was going to- No. Abso_fucking_lutely not. "Good, luck, but that is definitely _not_ gonna happen." It occurred to him that that wasn't the best thing to say to a man that could kill him with the flick of a wrist- the arc reactor nestled in Tony's chest was not hard to dislodge- but he refused to just lie there and let the greasy freak have his way. _

_Bracing his side against the wall, Tony struggled to his feet and attempted to stride nonchalantly away. A hand promptly fell on his shoulder; apparently it was too much to ask to just give a guy some time to himself. _

_Ignoring the pain in his…everywhere, Tony spun around and used what was probably his last bit of strength to throw a punch at the man's still grinning face. The smile disappeared when the blow (surprisingly) connected with his cheek and sent him reeling backwards. Tony smirked. _

_"__I guess you won't be getting what you-" His words were cut short as what felt like a freight train slammed into his stomach. The wind left his lungs and he crumpled to his already bruised knees, clutching his arc reactor._

_"__You…are going to regret that." Rough hands grabbed the back of Tony's already tattered shirt, ripping it in several more places as he was shoved non-too-gently against the nearest wall. Despite wriggling around like a beheaded snake, he couldn't shake the larger man's grip. _

_"__Get off of me you fat- Shit, _shit_! Get off, what're you- No!"_

XxXxX

"Dr. Banner?"

The doctor in question looked up from his work and rubbed his bloodshot eyes, too tired to wonder why Jarvis would be contacting him at four thirty in the morning.

"Yes, Jarvis?"

"Mr. Stark is having a nightmare, and I am unable to wake him up. I'm afraid he might hurt himself if it continues."

Bruce stared at the ceiling for several seconds, as if trying to process the information he was just given, then jumped up from his desk and jogged in his boxers to the elevator on the other end of the floor. "I'll wake him up Jarvis. Just make sure he doesn't bust a blood vessel before I get there."

"Gallows humor, Dr. Banner?"

Bruce grimaced. "You know it."

The elevator ride seemed much longer than it should have, and the disheveled scientist was bouncing nervously on the balls of his feet by the time he finally reached the door to Tony's quarters.

"I've unlocked everything for you, Doctor. His bedroom is the second door on the left."

Mumbling his appreciation, Bruce pushed his way into the billionaire's private wing and sprinted to the bedroom door, cringing as Tony's strangled screams reached his ears. His usual apprehension about his lack of 'people skills' was thrown out a window as he rushed to his friend's bedside, desperate to do something, anything to help the man. Tony was arched off the bed, his face contorted in pain and terror.

"Tony!" Bruce's hand moved immediately to his friend's shoulder, but he yanked it back immediately as a string of curses flew from Tony's mouth. Deciding that the man was worth bodily harm, Bruce pulled his knees onto the bed and began shaking Tony by the shoulders. "Wake up, Tony! It's just a dream, I promise! You're gonna be ok- Ooff!"

A haze of green began to cloud the edges of Bruce's vision as one of Tony's flailing arms collided with his jaw. Panic blossomed in the doctor's chest and he shoved the beast back down, gulping down calming breaths as he struggled to regain control of himself. Though he was fairly sure there would be instances in the future when he would not be able to manage the 'Other Guy', Bruce had found a state of blissful peace for the time being, a truce with the monster inside him, and was able to maintain self-control himself when the time called for it.

Inching back to Tony's shoulder level, Bruce began talking quietly, hoping that some of his words would penetrate the man's nightmare. Steadying himself, he placed his hands gently on either side of Tony's face and closed his eyes, letting the words pour from his mouth.

"Tony, wake up, it's just a nightmare. You're here, you're safe, nothing's going to hurt you, I promise, if you just wake up…"

Tony's breath hitched. "Br- Bruce…" The doctor opened his eyes to meet Tony's. Usually glittering with mischievous mirth, the chocolate brown orbs were clouded with exhaustion and fear, illuminated only by a thin ray of moonlight filtering through the skylight above. Bruce's stomach knotted as he pulled away and surveyed the now awake Tony. He was shivering and soaked in sweat, and seemed to still be shaking off the clutches of the nightmare.

"Tony, hey…" Realizing his hands were still plastered against the billionaire's cheeks, Bruce began to draw them back when a soft whimper of protest slipped from Tony's lips.

"Don't…don't leave." Bruce's brows furrowed as Tony reached for his hand and locked their eyes. There was real pain there, and need; Tony needed beyond anything else for someone to be there for him. Bruce had talked to the man enough, even with the usual sarcasm, to realize that nearly everyone Tony had truly been close to had been lost, or had left him. Even those who were still in contact with him, who cared for him- Pepper, Rhodes, Happy- weren't close enough to give him what he required. The man who seemed to have everything was utterly alone, save for one awkward, self-conscious physicist with 'breathtaking anger management issues'.

"I won't leave Tony, I promise…"

"Quit making promises you can't keep." Tony's voice was almost bitter as he turned his back on the doctor. Bruce just sighed and leaned against the headboard, ignoring the voice in the back of his head screaming for him to run from the situation. As much as he wanted- needed- to deny it, he couldn't quell the intense emotion swirling in his chest, threatening to crack his carefully made shell at any moment. He wanted to help Tony, his only true friend, but he had to admit the man had a point. Could he keep these promises? Would he be able to stay forever? The answer was as painful as it was obvious. And yet, why did he feel like he had to try? Why did he _want_ to?

Pushing these unanswerable questions to the back of his mind, Bruce turned his attention to the dark lump next to him. He could feel the bed shaking from Tony's suppressed sobs, and it occurred to him that he had never seen the man cry. Ignoring the risk of getting punched again, the doctor slumped farther into the bed and gently pulled Tony's shoulders around to face him.

"You're right, Tony. I may not be here all the time, but I'm here now. I'm here for you; I want you to be okay." He had no idea where these words came from, but it didn't matter; the hard lines on Tony's tear-streaked face melted away and he buried his head in Bruce's neck, clutching to the other man's shirt for dear life.

The bed was quite comfortable, Bruce had to admit, and, after staying awake as long as possible to make sure Tony had drifted off once again, the physicist-turned-temporary-psychologist closed his eyes as well. The usual discomfort the man would have felt about sleeping with another man (or anyone, for that matter) cuddled up to him was eclipsed by the fact that it was Tony. When it was Tony, it didn't matter.

XxXxX

Miss Virginia Pepper Potts sighed as she keyed in the security code to Tony's private wing of Stark Tower. The man had refused to answer any of her calls, which was rather strange; Jarvis usually picked up the third or fourth time to tell her Tony was busy or just didn't want to talk. But this time, her calls had simply been disconnected, and none of her texts had been answered.

"Tony? You better be awake, I told you I was coming," she said to the empty hallway. "And you better have clothes on." When no answer came, Pepper rolled her eyes and marched to Tony's bedroom, dangerously high heels clicking on the hardwood floors. Not bothering to knock, she opened the door and froze immediately, her eyes glued on the (slightly confusing) scene before her.

Tony was not awake, and was currently draped on top of Bruce Banner, their limbs intertwined awkwardly. The doctor blinked blearily up at Pepper for a few seconds before starting and beginning the arduous task of extricating himself from Tony's grasp without waking the man up. All too aware of what the scene must have looked like, with Tony shirtless and himself in nothing but a thin T-shirt and a pair of Spiderman boxers, a deep blush spread across Bruce's cheeks and down the back of his neck.

Once free of the bed, Bruce motioned for Pepper to back into the hallway, and followed her, shutting the door quietly as he prepared himself for the woman's wrath.

"So…you and Tony…?"

"No! It's not what you think! He was having a nightmare and Jarvis couldn't wake him up, so I helped and he didn't want me to leave, so I stayed and-"

Pepper raised a hand and sighed yet again. "I'm not going to shoot you, Doctor. Who Tony sleeps with or doesn't sleep with is none of my business." She glanced down at Bruce's attire, and the man's flush returned in full force.

"Umm, I'll go get dressed…"

"You do that. I'll wait in the lounge. I had some things I wanted to talk to Tony about, so I'll just hand off some things to you for when he wakes up."

"Yeah… Okay." Bruce scurried off to the elevator, rather grateful to be away from the woman's intimidating presence.

Meanwhile, Pepper had already settled down in one of the luxurious leather sofas scattered around the large lounge/living room. She had had quite a long morning, and kicked off her shoes before tucking her feet underneath her and pulling out a book she was quite keen on finishing. She had only read a few pages however, when the sound of bare feet shuffling across wood floors reached her ears.

"Pepper?" Tony's voice was hoarse and his hair was a mess. "Where's Brucey-bear?"

Despite her irritation at the other man being the first thing Tony thought to ask about, Pepper cocked an eyebrow and smiled. "He went to get dressed."

"Aww, that's totally not necessary…" The billionaire yawned widely and flopped down on the couch across from Pepper, attempting clumsily to catch her socked feet between his own. "Sorry Peps, I had a bit of a hard night apparently."

"I heard," she replied dryly. "It's fine Tony, I really just wanted to talk, though there are a few papers I need you to look over. The-"

"Don't even start, I don't care right now." Giving up his foot war, Tony slumped against the armrest and closed his eyes, seemingly still worn out from the previous night's trauma.

"Are you okay, Tony?"

"I'm fine."

"You said the nightmares were-"

"Well I lied, didn't I?" Tony cracked one eye open slightly and stared at the woman opposite him. He wasn't angry, or even remotely irritated; going back to sleep, preferably with Bruce near at hand (strictly to keep the nightmares away), was the only thing on his mind. "I'm fine… I'm just…_tired_." He rubbed his face absentmindedly. "I'm so tired…"

At this, Pepper stood and crossed to Tony's side of the couch, pushing the man's hair into some semblance of order with her long fingers. "It's okay Tony, take all the time you need… Happy and Rhodey and I will always be here for you, you know that. Right?"

"Yeah, I know."

Pepper opened her mouth to keep talking, but was interrupted by a sheepish Bruce Banner hovering awkwardly in the doorway. "Uhh, I can go back downstairs-"

"Nonsense Brucey-bear, come sit beside me. I'll give you lovins."

"As enticing as that is, Mr. Stark, I'll have to politely decline," Bruce said wryly as he made his way to an armchair adjacent to Tony. An ill at ease silence descended upon the small group until Tony cleared his throat and stood up.

"Well then, if the conversation is over then I'm gonna take this," he pulled Bruce to his feet, "and go back to bed." The doctor's protests fell on deaf ears as Tony steered him back to the bedroom. "You gonna hang out here Peps?"

"I suppose. This is as close to a day off as I'm probably going to get, so I might as well spend it being comfortable."

"Great, see you later then." Any reply Pepper might have supplied was cut off by the bedroom door shutting behind the two men. Tony's hand immediately closed around Bruce's upper arm as he turned to face the doctor.

"Bruce, tell me what happened last night."

Taken aback by the sudden intensity of his friend's stare, the physicist pushed his glasses up and began to wring his hands anxiously. "You…you were having a nightmare, so Jarvis asked me to wake you up. I did, and was going to go, but you told me not to leave…so I stayed, and Pepper found us in bed together." The blush flowed back to his cheeks, and his glasses slipped down his nose once again.

"So we didn't have sex?"

Bruce nearly choked on his next inhale. "N-no!" he stammered. "Of course not!"

Tony appeared thoughtful for a minute, then released Bruce's arm and flopped face-first onto the bed. "Well, that's good, I guess."

"Are you drunk, Tony?" It was meant to be a joke, but Tony's shot up to his feet, eyes alight with very unexpected and barely contained glee.

"No, Bruce, I'm not. But when Pep leaves, we're gonna be."

* * *

So, was all that unexpected? Probably. But Science Bros is totally my OTP so I don't care. :D We'll see how Tony handles this.

Drunk!Tony&Bruce in the next chapter, hooray! And maybe, maaaybe, some more Pepper or Steve. And more Jarvis, he wasn't in this one very much.

Also, this story is in desperate need of a cover photo. Any suggestions?

So...pleasepleaseplease follow, favorite and REVIIIIEEEWWWWWWW please I'm begging you. If you don't review then poor Tony will never get laid again and Brucey-bear will forever be stuck as an enormous green rage-monster. (I love you people.)


	5. Five, Technophilia

I'm sorry I kept you waiting guys! And I lied a little bit...and this chapter is absolutely awful. I was just tying up some loose ends and getting back on track with this chapter. So it's really bad and I hate it and it took forever. But now I can start making it interesting again~ So don't kill me please. e3e

* * *

"No, Tony."

"…What?"

"Absolutely not." Bruce crossed his arms and stared down at Tony, his stern voice echoing in the suddenly silent room.

"_Why not_?" The words were almost accusatory, but Bruce ignored it and backed towards the door.

"Because I think you need to think, Tony. Think about what you're doing, and think about what's going on with your life. You did lie to Pepper and all of SHIELD about the nightmares, and if I hadn't been here last night there's no telling what might have happened." The doorknob was pressing into the small of Bruce's back, cold through the thin cotton of his shirt. Tony's gaze, on the other hand, was burning with something close to, but not quite, anger; it was a strange mix between confusion and hurt, as though his best friend had just betrayed him. Bruce winced inwardly as he realized how close this evaluation was to the truth.

"Look, I'm really sorry Tony, but I don't think either of us are up to a night of drunken cavorting right now." The doctor chanced a weak smile, but it wasn't returned.

"You sure think a lot, don't you, Doc?" Tony's bewildered resentment was quickly replaced by cool indifference, a tone Bruce was all too familiar with. A long-suffering sigh escaped his lips as he turned and opened the door, well aware that talking some sense into the genius would be nearly impossible at this point.

"I try," Bruce stated resignedly. "Go talk to Pepper. I think she had some stuff for you to discuss…"

Tony stood and waved his friend away, paying no heed to the man's apologetic glances. He was used to Bruce refusing his invitations to drink, but he had never given him an outright 'no'. An ugly snarl curled Tony's lips as he stomped down the hallway towards his workshop.

"Tony?"

The man rolled his eyes as the faint sound of Pepper's bare feet followed him down the hall.

"Tony, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Pepper." He blinked as the door to his workshop refused to open; looking down, he realized he had punched in the wrong passcode, as his shaking fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. Muttered curses fell from his mouth as he retyped the correct code and stormed through the doorway, half hoping Pepper would leave him be.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me, Tony."

Damn, that woman was some kind of psychic. Pepper stood in the doorway, one hand rested on her cocked hip as she glared at the man in front of her. Tony scoffed.

"I already said I'm fine, Potts. Just go away."

He sounded childish. Pepper's intentions were good, they always were… But Tony turned away nonetheless, focusing his attention on one of the many screens that had popped up when he had entered the room. The blue glow was comforting, and he savored it as he began flipping through his project files.

"Tony…" Pepper's voice was nearer now, and thin fingers came to rest on Tony's shoulders, gently pulling him around to face her. "Why won't you let me help you?" Her hands trailed down to Tony's chest as she gazed imploringly up at him. They were closer than they had been in months, and Tony could recall exactly what she smelled like; the slight, warm scent of cinnamon always seemed to cling to her, and it brought back the few good memories Tony had of his last few years.

He finally glanced to her eyes, and immediately became guarded once again; the expression there was all too familiar, and had succeeded in pulling him away from whatever he was doing many time before. This time however, he knew he couldn't succumb to its call.

"No, Pepper." Her hands fell to her sides and her eyes dropped. "I need…I need my alone time, 'kay?" Tony attempted a smile, though it felt more like a pained grimace, as Pepper walked back through the door without a second glance.

XxXxX

The worn leather couch creaked ominously as Tony collapsed on it face-first.

"Well, I fucked that up, didn't I?"

"Are you speaking to me, sir?"

Tony almost jumped as Jarvis responded. "Not really, but hey buddy. Had a nice morning?"

"Certainly, sir. Would you like me to open a file for you?"

"Umm…yeah. A new project file." Though he was loath to pull himself away from his oh-so-comfy couch, Tony struggled to his feet and flopped down once again at his desk.

"Pardon me for asking, sir, but must you be so hard on the furniture?"

"Hush, Jarv." He began fiddling with the programs before him, allowing himself to become immersed in his work.

XxXxX

"Sir, I really must insist you have something to eat."

Tony ignored the voice.

"Sir? It's nearly eight o'clock, and your nose is dripping profusely."

"I'm aware, Jarv, thanks." The engineer huffed and closed the file he had been working on, reluctant to leave the warmth of his workshop. "Can't you bring me a sandwich down here, honey?"

"I'm afraid not, sir."

"Well, you will be in a few weeks." Tony smirked and stretched before making his way down to the kitchen; he had to admit, he was starving.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Tony, Jarvis. Call me Ton-" A rather large sneeze erupted from the man's nose, rocketing several globs of snot into the crook of his elbow. "Damn… I thought that stupid cold was gone."

"I'm terribly sorry, but what is it you were saying?"

"Curious, are we?" Pots and pans bounced around the kitchen floor as Tony began his quest for dinner. Cooking was about as appealing to the man as pulling teeth, but he had yet to create a machine that kept him alive without food. "I'm going to design you a body, I'm sick of having to take care of myself." Ignoring what a spoiled brat he sounded like, he began rambling about his plans, assuming the AI was listening.

"So I'm gonna have to find a biologist or something, like I said earlier, to help make skin and muscle that can grow and live with a machine powering its functions. Sounds pretty sick, eh?"

"Quite." Jarvis adjusted the stove's temperature as the water Tony had forgotten about began to boil. "Sir, the noodles…"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it…"

Dinner was soon on the table; spaghetti was one of the few things Tony could cook on his own that didn't involve a microwave, and had been the only choice for the evening, as he hadn't been shopping in quite some time. He dug in with gusto, continuing his nearly one-sided conversation between enormous bites.\

"So I figured...if I finish the basic structure of the…mechanisms finished tonight…I would be able to test and make…adjustments in the morning and-"

"S- Tony?"

The genius slurped up a stray noodle and grunted at the ceiling, smiling slightly at Jarvis's stutter.

"I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with you creating a physical manifestation of…me."

Tony sighed. "And I still don't get why you're such a party pooper. C'mon, Jarvie! Just give it a shot. You love me, right?"

"I suppose," the AI stated dryly.

"Well then, just consider it a favor. And if you don't like it, I'll scrap the whole thing, 'kay? But it'll be great, I promise. I'll have a roommate, and you'll be able to make food for me, and clean, and help with projects... Oh, and I'll make sure you can still be all…in the ceiling and stuff, don't worry. You won't be stuck in the body. Hey, do you see?"

Jarvis seemed taken aback by the sudden inquiry. "What?"

"Can you see? Like…what is that like?" Tony glanced at the ceiling once again, curious, but a little unsure of where to look.

"I…I'm not sure. I do not 'see' perhaps, as you do, but I am aware of my surroundings."

"Man, you can be kinda creepy sometimes, you know that?" Tony dished out some more spaghetti, making a mental note to do some exercising in the near future. "So what about smelling and touching and everything?"

"Those senses are more dependent on a body, so I would say no. I can't smell or touch things."

"Well, this is gonna be really interesting. It'll be like taking care of a baby… A super-intelligent, snarky, British baby."

Tony smirked. Before he had been cooped up inside these past few months, he had never really thought of Jarvis as anything but a tool, to be used to make his own life easier. That was what he had designed him for, after all. But now, after relying on the AI for basically all his required interaction for a long period of time, the genius was more than a little fuzzy on exactly what Jarvis was to him. He was more than just a tool, just as the real Jarvis had been more than just a butler.

"Y'know, you're a pretty great guy, Jarvis."

"Thank you, sir. I do try."

"I'm gonna stop responding when you say 'sir'."

"I apologize; I'm afraid it's a habit."

"Well, I'll break that habit eventually."

"If you say so, sir."

"…Really?"

* * *

I didn't even read through this I hate it so much, so there are probably a buttload of mistakes... I'M SO SORRY but it'll be okay 'cause I'll make it better...and updates should be coming more often now that I'm out of school.

So...review if you wanna, I live off reviews. I LIVE OFF OF THEM and I can't redeem myself if I die...


	6. Six, Technophilia

Blug... I'm sorry this is so late...I've been super busy. I had some college visits and a convention and lots of other general mayhem.

I'll be updating To Thaw a Frozen Heart in the next day or two as well. Gotta get back into writing.

* * *

There were several things that Tony Stark really enjoyed about himself. One, of course, was his intellect; his ability to woo almost anyone he wanted was definitely a plus as well. However, now that he thought about it, his ability to function for days on end with very little sustenance and no sleep was probably the highest on his list. That is, until people; or in this case, a sassy AI; started bugging him to take care of himself.

"Jarvis, pull up the specs for-"

"Not until you get some dinner, sir, and clean up your tissues and mucus deposits."

Tony glanced around at the hundreds of tissues littering his workshop and scoffed. "I programmed you, dammit, you have to listen-"

"We've been over this before, sir. I'm programmed, first and foremost, to regulate your well being, and you are currently sick and malnourished."

"I'm not sick, that stupid cold has been gone for like a whole day." Scowling darkly, Tony violently stabbed at the tablet on his lap with a grimy finger. He knew that Jarvis was right, as per usual, but he didn't want to admit it, and certainly wasn't going to listen to the AI. No, there was absolutely no way in hell-

"I've ordered pizza, sir. The delivery boy is at the front desk currently, and the food should be brought up momentarily."

"What kind?"

"Two supremes from Lombardi's, sir."

A brief pause followed this exchange as a number of emotions flashed over Tony's features, finally settling on immensely irritated. "Damn you, Jarvis. _Damn you_."

Chucking the tablet unceremoniously onto the nearest table, the genius stalked out of his workshop and into the lounge, ignoring his decidedly ragged reflection as he flopped down to wait for his supper. Of course the AI knew his weaknesses; there was nothing Tony enjoyed more than stuffing his face full of pizza after surviving on nothing but coffee and some stale PopTarts for three days. Nevertheless, he was determined not to give Jarvis the satisfaction of always being right. There had to be some balance…

The doorbell (or Tony's equivalent, which happened to be an alarm loud enough to be heard through the whole floor) rang a moment later, jarring the man out of his thoughts. Ignoring Jarvis's commands to 'be nice to the poor man', Tony hitched his most evil-looking scowl onto his face as he snatched the pizzas out of a terrified intern's hands and slammed the door in his face; hopefully the kid would have some kind of breakdown later, just so Tony could say he accomplished something that day.

"You know, you could try to be grateful for once, sir."

"Don't need yer shit, Jarvis. 'M effin' tired." Tony collapsed onto the nearest couch, balancing one of the pizzas on his stomach. "Music please. Thank- Green Day? What is this shit? AC/DC, Jarv, get your shit together."

"Do we have a new favorite word, sir?" the AI asked dryly.

"Shuddup." Tony would have offered a more intelligent answer, naturally, but his mouth was otherwise occupied. Lombardi's was the best pizza in New York, he had better things to do than talk.

XxXxX

Seven slices of pizza and several AC/DC albums later, Tony dragged himself up from his spot on the couch and stretched, yawning widely.

"Jarv, get the bathtub started, please. No showers for Mr. Start today."

"Have you decided to be sweetly reasonable, sir?"

"Lord, Jarvis, you're so…backtalk-y. Yes, I feel less bad." Grammar be damned, he was Tony-fucking-Stark.

Shoving the remaining pizza into the fridge, Tony grabbed a cup of tap-water and made his way to the bathroom. The room was pleasantly warm when he entered; it did not take long for water to warm up wherever Tony was involved. Cold showers were definitely not his thing. After brushing his teeth to rid his mouth what he was sure was dead badger and downing his lukewarm water, he stripped down and eased into the oversized tub, sighing contentedly.

"Please try not to drown, sir."

Tony snorted and pushed some water over his chest and stomach, which weren't yet completely submerged. "I'm not gonna fall asleep in the tub. You would think that the guy I've been designing something for for three days would be more grateful about all the work I've put in…" He raised an eyebrow at the ceiling. "All the hard, hard work…"

Jarvis took the hint; though he was already entirely aware of what Tony had done over the past few days, he knew his inventor loved talking about his projects, and was willing to indulge him.

"Go on then, sir. I'm listening."

Tony grinned widely and began outlining whatever happened to be going on in his mind, slinging water around the room as he waved his hands animatedly.

Almost half an hour later, when Tony had talked himself into a stupor, Jarvis chimed in.

"Sir, I hate to interrupt, but you have a call."

"Who?"

"It's Captain Rogers, sir. Shall I tell him you are indisposed?"

Tony groaned and rolled onto his side like a pouting child. "No, lemme hear him."

Steve's voice echoed through the bathroom as Tony flipped back onto his back.

"Tony? You there?"

"Yeah, I'm here, Capsicle. What do you want, I'm wet and naked." Tony smiled with satisfaction; he could just see the horrified look on the conservative Captain's face.

"Erm, well… I was just making sure you were alive and, umm, Fury wanted to-"

"I don't care what Fury wants, I'm in the middle of a project. Unless aliens are attacking, I told him to leave me alone."

"Yeah, well, I was also kind of-"

"Is this important, Cap, 'cause like I said-"

"Yes, yes, I heard what you said-"

"And I was in the middle of a conversation-"

"Is someone there with you?" The good Captain sounded even more mortified than before, and it took every ounce of Tony's self-control to hold back the wicked cackle threatening to slip through his lips.

"Maybe, maybe not. Hey, I haven't slept in like three days, so how 'bout I call you back later, yeah?"

Steve sighed on the other end of the line. "Alright, Tony. Get some sleep. Fury will probably kill someone if you accidently die."

Tony scoffed. "I would hope he'd kill all of you, you're nothing without me."

"Sure, whatever you say. Bye Tony." Steve hung up before Tony could respond.

"Huh. Well that was weird."

"Perhaps if you had stopped interrupting, it would have been more fruitful," Jarvis responded.

"I have the distinct sense that you are rolling your eyes, Jarv." Tony finally began washing himself, using a little brush to scrape the grime from under his fingernails.

"You're probably correct, sir."

XxXxX

It took another twenty minutes or so for Tony to get acceptably clean and dry. Choosing to forgo pajamas, the exhausted inventor all but crawled from the bathroom to the bed, the past few days finally catching up to him.

"Lights, Jarvis…" The lights turned off obediently. "Don't let anyone interrupt my beauty sleep."

"Of course, sir."

"Okay, I've been letting it slide, but I really think I'm gonna take the word 'sir' out of your vocabulary somehow."

"Go to sleep, Anthony."

"Tony, dammit."

"I prefer Anthony. It's more elegant."

"Eleg-" Tony blinked owlishly at the darkness around him, eventually cracking a smile. "If you say so, Jarv."

* * *

Yey, all done. I hope I didn't forget any loose ends...

More Cap later, I think. And Brucie-bear eventually. Who knows, I need to plan these chapters better.

Please follow, favorite and **_review_** (hinthint) if you liked it! o3o


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